1. CAW CAW! #TheOffice

     
     

  2. How To Cook Breakfast: A Guide for People Who Suck at Life

    1. Get essentials ready for making toast and fried eggs.

    2. Cook first egg to perfection. Immediately drop onto stove while putting onto plate.

    3. Accidentally break the yolk of second egg. Throw it out.

    4. Forget that you turned the stove off before trying to cook third egg. Nearly give yourself salmonella.

    5. Finish eggs properly. Immediately lose appetite and throw them out.

    6. Vow to never wake up before noon again.

     

  3. Widespread Yahoo hack

    Yahoo got hacked, including my account. It emailed everyone I have ever emailed since 2006 and I am now having tons of awkward conversations with people I haven’t spoken to in 3 years about how my life is going now. I had to change my password on everything hooked up to that account (Amazon, Twitter, etc). I debated about whether or not to do it on Tumblr because no one is going to hack my shitty Tumblr but I did anyway. Just beware and move to Gmail. So lame. Yahoo can suck it for real.

     
  4. I’m really excited to have found this. I can’t stop laughing. For those curious, this is from episode 8.24 entitled “Free Family Portrait Studio.”

    I saw Zach Woods (Gabe) perform in the ASSSSCAT show at UCB NY and he was absolutely hilarious. He’s incredible at improv and he plays a miserable weirdo really well.

    (Source: yourpervertedneighbor, via hulu)

     

  5. "Comedy is defiance. It’s a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it’s the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale." -Will Durst

     

  6. League of Legends Training Night

    As a significant other of a Rioter, I have some fun privileges. One privilege is that once a month, members of the significant others group get to play the game with trainers to help us learn all the nuances. I am terrible at the game. It’s laughable how little I understand of it. However, I like going and wanted to make a useless post just so I could put a funny gif in it.

    I found this on the LoL community board and I don’t know who made it. If it’s you, let me know.

     

  7. New Job

    I didn’t mention in my last big post that I was offered a job in the semi-comedy writing field. I will be writing “witty and clever titles” for funny video clips for a popular television show (the name of which I probably shouldn’t say because I don’t want to get fired if they don’t like what I write on the Internet).

    To be entirely honest, the real reason I made this post is because this gif is amazing and I wanted to use it:

    It is a comedy writer “making it rain.” Although I am neither a professional comedy writer nor making it rain yet, this gif will be my life’s muse. Sure, some artists have real people or beautiful landscapes as their muses but a 3 second gif of Liz Lemon dancing under falling money works for me. (I have low standards)

    P.S. There are so many hilarious gifs on Tumblr that I’m seriously going to end up making terrible updates just to use them. I have a whole library full. Watch out.

     
  8. This fun fortune found its way to me on Monday. I got it at my favorite ethnic Applebee’s, P.F. Chang’s. I especially love how it says “at the moment” so I don’t get too excited.

    There’s no business like show business, I suppose. I really don’t get the bee, though.

     

  9. Major Update

    First off, I’m really sorry that I’m so bad at remembering to update this. I just spent like an hour moving my blog to Tumblr and it was then that I realized how long it’s been since I updated. I was reading Mindy Kaling’s blog last night and it reminded me that I haven’t written in a while. It’s hard keeping up with so many forms of social media. I thoroughly enjoy Twitter and Instagram. Facebook sort of sucks big time but I continue to use it because A) my friends and family use it and B) everyone knows it sucks but continue to use it anyway. I think that’s just a way of life for everyone at this point. Anyway, onto other things.

    Improv 1 is over now. I loved taking classes at The Second City in Hollywood. My instructor was fantastic and I had an amazing time spending 3.5 hours a week playing make believe with other full grown adults. However, it seemed like it was mostly filled with actors and I am not an actor by any means. I’m interested in improv for the sheer comedy aspect of it. I am taking a short break and exploring other options at the moment. I am not quitting entirely because I found that I took to improv really well and that doesn’t happen with most activities so it’s not something to overlook. My friend, Leo, and I had this running joke that we completely suck at most things in life and behind every joke is a harsh truth.

    Speaking of comedy and jokes, I did my first ever stand up routine on a real life stage with real live other people. Here is the poster for the show, with my name on it:

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    Crazy, right?! Very exciting. What’s even crazier is that I did surprisingly well. Like really well for my first time. I was no Jim Gaffigan but I didn’t bomb and people laughed and when I told someone it was my first time, their response was, “Shut up!” I absolutely loved doing it, too. It was my favorite thing I’ve ever done. The high was indescribable. I definitely want to do it again. I obviously have a lot to improve upon and a lot to learn so I’m looking into open mics. LA is the right place to be doing comedy. Here is a really unflattering picture of me doing standup. I look 20lbs overweight and 4 feet tall and I’m doing a weird raptor arm thing but it’s proof that I did do it.

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    I suppose some really big news that I definitely have to mention is that I GOT ENGAGED! It happened 12/23 and it was very sweet. Mat and I hiked up Runyon Canyon and doing any sort of strenuous outdoor activity in the cold air at elevated heights with my asthma is not the best idea. I knew something was about to happen so I kept going and luckily, there was a payoff. In true Alissa fashion, I received a marriage proposal during an asthma attack. Here is a picture of my ring, which I absolutely love.

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    Mat designed it for me, piece by piece. It’s gorgeous and incredible. On a less romantic side note, I’m really stuck on how dry my hands look in that picture. What is that about? Gross.

    I have a lot of other news but after moving my entire blog over here piece by piece, I’m sick of looking at my computer. I will try to be better about this. In the meantime, you can follow me on Twitter @alissarules for funnies.

    Awesome new Los Angeles discoveries: Ru Paul’s Drag Race, Sprinkles cupcakes, street art on Melrose, every cute Japanese shop on Sawtelle

    Parts of Brooklyn I miss: Being able to get food past midnight, the walk to and from the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, running in Fort Greene Park, subways

     

  10. Freaking Out and Making Amends

    Being mostly alone in a new city gives me a lot of time to think about things. I do a lot of thinking normally but having so much alone time has caused me to reach new levels of over-thinking and over-analyzing. One interesting thing that this has caused me to want to do is “make amends” with everyone I have ever “wronged.”

    I put the word “wronged” in quotation marks because as an empath, I am overly sensitive to every single thing I ever say or do to anyone so oftentimes, my definition of wronging someone is a regular person’s idea of normal interaction. For example, I sent someone a page long, barely lucid email at 6AM apologizing for losing touch when we were 14. I had been wracked with guilt for over 12 years and his response, in summary, was, “Oh, I thought it was my fault. No harm done.” I have a lot of nightmares about friendships I feel I had caused to end and bad things I’m convinced I’d done and for some reason, I have a hard time letting them go, no matter how old or ridiculous they probably are.

    Of course, in apologizing, I spend the whole day freaking out as I wait for a response. I have gotten people admitting that they were angry with me, which is hard, but it comes with the territory and I absolutely deserve it if I did something wrong. I can only hope that those people can forgive my wrongdoings because I am truly sorry. However, 99.9% of the time, the response is “I didn’t even notice.” This causes me to wonder if maybe I need to be more okay with the fact that not everyone is scrutinizing my behavior all the time and that I really need to calibrate how necessary some of these apologies are.

    In the meantime, be on the lookout for a page long email at 4AM about how sorry I am regarding that one time I canceled getting coffee with you because I had the swine flu three years ago.

    Sophie, a cat who I owe many apologies to for tap dancing poorly while holding her.